We found out about our little girl early Sunday morning on October 2nd, 2016. We were thrilled to be expecting and began the journey of pregnancy looking forward to the baby we would welcome in June 2017. For me, I found the hardest part of pregnancy to be the unknown. I think it would be wonderful if we were given a window that lets us see what is going on inside the womb; however, God thought it best that we have to trust Him.
I like comfort, known things, and security. Pregnancy involves none of those. Psalm 139 was immensely helpful to me throughout my pregnancy, as were my husband’s wise words during my times of worry that this was not our baby, but God’s baby and he already knew every detail of her life even before we knew about her. I told myself several times that God knew exactly how many times her heart would beat, even before it started beating. In fact, He knows exactly how many heartbeats each of us will have during our lives.
His plan for Joy only involved 9 weeks of heartbeats. Our little girl stopped growing and was born, in human terms, far too early on Thursday night, December 8th, 2016 after only 13 weeks of pregnancy. Though in this life we may never know exactly why, she was born right on time in God’s terms. Joy was perfectly beautiful and I will forever miss the little girl who made me a mother. Psalm 139 has still been very helpful to me. Joy was fearfully and wonderfully made; knit together by God himself.
We named her Joy because she brought us such Joy for the time we had her, and “weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Psalm 30:5, ESV). It is right and good that we mourn Joy. It is hard for me to think about the upcoming summer in regards to not being a new mama anymore, but I know that God has already gone ahead of us. I do not know what the summer holds, but He does and He is worthy of my trust.
Tomorrow is not a given for anyone. Some people live 9 weeks; others 9 months, 9 years, or 99 years. Only God knows the number of stars in the sky, grains of sand on the beach, number of hairs on my head, and number of beats in my heart.
Death always hurts. It will never not hurt until that day when it is no more. That glorious day when Christ returns and all that is broken on this earth will be made right. That day babies no longer die too soon, that day we see our sweet Joy again. Until Christ calls us home, we will always miss our girl, but not without hope. Hope that God does work all things for our good and His glory. Hope that God always has and always will go before us. Hope that God knows each tug of sadness in our hearts, and that He understands. Hope that one day, death will be permanently defeated and will be no more.
“I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: ‘Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?’ The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” (1 Corinthians 15:50-57).